Proud

A little while ago someone very special to me told me they were proud of me. And I felt like I had just won the freaking stanley cup, or some other really incredible award.

There's really no words to describe how wonderful that felt to hear.

When you're a child there are certain people you look up to. This person has always been someone that I have and will always look up to. They have been my source of strength in times of need, my comfort in times of pain and my joy in times of sadness. And to hear that from her is all I have ever wanted.

As far back as I can remember the one consistency in my life has been her. She is a mother to me always has been, always will be. The one thing I have always struggled to do is to try and make her proud of me, my actions didn't always show that but that most certainly was the one thing that i always wanted. Even now, despite the fact that I do a lot of things that she doesn't agree with, it makes so much of a difference to hear it from her. It shows she knows that I am trying; she sees it and for some crazy reason, somehow that makes her proud of me.


All I know is hearing it from her that day, it made me the happiest girl in the world.

OH MY GOODNESS

I haven't written for quite sometime now, at least I havent fully completed anything I have written.

I started a full time job so my thoughts tend to be a little more sporadic now, so I have a lot of half completed posts that I am going to go ahead and just all post them now. Just to update though that these posts have been completed over the past few months... I need to clear up some space from my phone so here we go...

Resilient

A persons ability to handle different situations after a great loss all seems to vary upon his or her resiliency. Sometimes a great loss can bring out impeccable strength in a person... courage and wisdom the person didn't even know they had. Other times the people that you thought were the strongest crumble before you; overcome by the weight of the situation and struggling to grasp the little strings dangling between the balance of normalcy and insanity.

Lately I feel that I have been leaning towards the later... its funny when you see things from outsiders perspective, its always so different than how you feel. My best friend likes to tell me that I am one of the strongest people she knows. Which maybe true, but what defines strength for her is different than what the definition is for me.

Obstacles seem to be something that will always surmount around me.... only God knows why but I simply have a feeling that my life will never be an easy one. (NOT that anyones is... some just have it easier than others.)

I tend to see things differently than most, its funny how you figure that out one day. For me it was the other morning I was out to breakfast with my boyfriend, pouring my creamer in my coffee I looked up at him, as it was splashing all around and he just shook his head and laughed; pointing out what he saw as a spout I was using as a handle. My entire life I have managed to live like that... making everything a little bit  harder than it has to be, a little bit messier than it needs to be. I have never been one to look at a situation and go here is a "methodical" way out... I just kinda dive in head first, say a hail mary and hope to God I make it through it.

Yes, I have always been one to do things the hard way, no matter what it was. I remember freshman year Algebra my teacher desperately trying to show me "her" way of solving the equation... I couldn't do it like that... to easy I said I cant understand it. For some reason, my brain thinks better when things are complicated.

My grandfather and I were talking one day, I cant even remember the topic... All I can remember or all that I really took away from the slight lecture I was being given was this sentence; "Erica, you are going to have one hell of a tough life if you continue to do things the hard way... you cant keep thinking the way your thinking" Well I took it away from the conversation thats for sure.. don't know if it did any good though.

Maybe I am a strong person... I know I am stubborn as an ass but I don't consider that to be strength.. maybe the fact that I am still grasping at the strings makes me strong... maybe its because after a lot of bull shit Im still sane.

My mom and I's relationship is one thing I regret doing the hard way... its times like this where you look back and regret a lot of things that you could have said but didn't, could have done but wouldn't. Its where I see that the more complicated the problem is in real life... the harder it is to solve.

Now I know a lot of you are saying well.. NO SHIT Erica complicated=hard to solve. But for me there's a lot more to it than that. For me a lot of pride was involved, stubbornness, and a lot of doing things the hard way that made my last statement harder to realize.

So as your reading these scattered thoughts you probably are wondering where the point lies. I guess there really is none. I mean I am still trying to figure it out for myself, I sometimes wonder if I am strong or if its a facade that I have fooled not only others but myself into seeing. I wonder if all of this hardship is in the end my fault? If my stubborn, wise ass nature hasn't brought it all to me... am I just getting what I had coming?

Either way in the end I know my mother knows I love her despite all of the hard times we went through.

So even though I may still be grasping at strings... I do know one thing is for sure... I tend to be pretty darn resilient.

Mom is another word for love

Its funny. Looking at my family from an outsiders perspective.

"Crazy, Insensitive, Mean"... Just three of the words some people have used to describe my family. Although these are and can be true most of the time... there's a lot more to them than you know.

"Crazy, Funny, Wonderful"... My top three words I would and will use till the day I die to describe them.

Here are the facts. We are blunt, crazy individuals, we wont hold back. Don't expect us to because your expectations will fail every time. My family has had a hand in making me who I am today. They have imbedded characteristics and traits into me that will be with me for the rest of my life. Some good, some bad. All & I, I will love my family and stick up for them till the day I die.

I miss my mother. My family does as well.

My Uncle is up for the week and it makes me miss her more.

Any time really that Im around my family for more than a hot second I miss her. Knowing she'd want to be there, watching the kids swim, laughing at my uncles jokes, chatting and fighting with my aunts, getting annoyed at the arguing my grandparents do.

Before when we hardly spoke there was a gap that was easy to ignore. Now, her being gone the gap has widened it feels like and at times I don't know what to do about it. I can no longer ignore it. She's missing. You take family photos and she's missing. Dinner tables, she's missing, kid counts she's missing.

My grandmother will do this thing where she goes through the names of all of her daughters pretty much before she gets to the right one... Patty, Sandy, Michelle, Rena... She's done it twice in front of me since my moms death and each time she pauses at the mention of my mothers name... Im sure not knowing whether to cry or keep going through the list. I do the same thing in my head... Sometimes I want to mention her cause something someone says reminds me of her but then I pause not knowing if its still to morbid to bring her up.

Morbid... a word I naturally slipped in there... thats how it feels even though it shouldn't... it is.

You can call my family whatever you want. We know what and who we are. I can safely assume that most of us are ok with it. What were not ok with and what you might be sensing is a missing member from our family. That we love dearly and miss greatly.

I love you mom.

Ladies I Believe its About Time That We Get Back to the Basics.

When I was a little kid my mother would tell me that if a boy picked on me or made fun of me it meant that he liked me. Years later for some reason I still believe that. Now I know most of you hopeless romantics have seen "He's Just Not Into You" or whatever that move is called and now believe that they are the exception to all rules of romantics.

I have this friend... she's in love with someone that despite the fact that their love isn't worth her time of day she continues to hang around for the split second that she might get a change to feel it. 

What is it about us women that we feel that we need to have that in our lives? That feeling of love, the butterflies, sweaty palms, beating heart... whole 9? 

Where did we lose sight of reality... when did we fall apart at the seams believing we need men to fulfill our every need and want? 

Well... I surly don't have the answer to that question but I do know this.

 Its time to get back to the basics. 

First of all. There are not even close to enough of us that feel empowered to be women. You are the nurturer without us men wouldn't be men. They would be little helpless boys running around clueless and scared. Feel power from that because you do have that power. I don't care who you are. Women should walk around with their heads held high not insecure, worrying what the boy next door thinks of you. 

Second. Like I have said before the Princesses aren't the reality. Not even close and why would you want them to be? In almost every single one of those movies, the princess is saved by some charming prince on a horse. Don't forget ladies. They don't show you what happens after they ride off into the sunset. 

Do you think Snow White stopped taking care of men? 

Cinderella had to suddenly stop cleaning? 

WRONGO.

Sure they fell in love, Im not condoning falling in love. What I am condoning however are the women that spend their entire lives searching for it. As if its some crazy elixir that creates world peace, ends starvation across the globe and makes rainbows and butterflies appear all day, every day. 

Third. Please lets just stop pretending that we all dress up and doll up cause we enjoy it. I every once and a while enjoy getting all shnazzed up for shits and giggles but the truth of the matter is I'd much rather sleep in until 10 am then wake up at 7 to have the proper 3 hours it takes me to get ready. Lets let men see us for who we are first and what we look like next? Or is that just too much to ask? 

The truth of the matter is that men continue to act like little boys because we continue to let them. 

I'm proud to be a strong, beautiful woman. I know what I want from my life. I know what I need from my life, and although I have a man that I love with all of my heart I don't need to have him. I have gone without him. And if I had to I could again. I choose not to. I don't rely on his opinion of me to know who I am. I don't rely on ANYONES opinions of me to define me. None of us should. Because we can define who we are ourselves. We can be ourselves and be complete. I just wish some of us women would realize that. 

So until we do... lets just get back to the basics when boys were icky, had cooties, and we somehow managed to stand out amongst the crowds without our arm candy. 

You are Treading On Thin Ice Ms. Berube- Family Advised to Read.

Its funny.

Almost 22 years and I am still worried about what my family thinks of me.

Unconditional love is an interesting thing. 

Yes, you may love me "no matter what I do"... You just might not like me when all is said and done.

"I can be a bit narcissistic, judgmental and rude... BUT the truth is, I'm pretty much the shit, people can be pretty idiotic and so because of that I do call it like I see it... So call me what you might and feel free to hate me and talk about me... The fact of the matter is I know who I am & what I'm about.. so in all honesty what makes you think I care the slightest about your opinion of me?" -My most recent facebook status update

 This is me. As you can see, I don't always manage to keep in mind how people might perceive me, what my family and friends might think of some of the things I say. I like to tell it how it is. Life is too short to hold back, life isn't always pretty, its not always rainbows and butterflies, lifes got good and bad and everything in between. So why in all honesty should I not call it like I see it? Why is that so awful?

Respect. No back talk. No sarcasm. These are just three of the basic principles that I was raised upon. Life was full of hiding little secrets about yourself that wouldn't be perceived as acceptable or "good girl behavior". Dodging harsh glances and judgmental eyes... protecting family members from their own fears of who you are or who you have become.

Here are the facts. For you, my family members that don't all already know the truth. My name Erica Rose Marie Berube. Age 21 going on 22 in a few weeks. Swear? Like a sailor. Smoke? Yes. Drink? Yes. Tattooed? One. Church? Rarely.

So there it is... all the bad things about me laid right out on the table for you to rip apart and hate.

Now here are the rest.

I hate that I smoke but I do it for many reasons... most that you probably wouldn't be able to understand.
I rarely drink, but when I do its not in excess.
I have a tattoo that was something I rushed into because I was told I couldn't have one... that they were awful.
I don't go to church... but I have a bible on my bedside and I pray when I need it the most, when I am at my lowest moments and when I am grateful for all of the wonderful things in my life including you; my family.
These are some of the reasons of why I am going places, why I am somewhat "ok" after moms death, why I am strong and stand strong when I want to be weak.

Definition of Unconditional Love:

"Unconditional love is a term that means to love someone regardless of the loved one's qualities or actions."-dictionary.com

Yes there maybe certain parts of me that you hate. That you look away from and don't want to call as your own. But here is what I know.

I have the Berube nose. When I'm angry I look like my mother, when I'm laughing I look like my father, there are certain things I do that remind me of my grandmother and there are things that I say that remind me of my grandfather.

I don't cheat, steal, gamble, sell myself, do drugs, kill people, I don't nor have I ever done any of those things... Nor do I plan on doing them.

I am a kind, honest, friendly, charitable person. I try my best and if I fail I try harder.

Perfection isn't achievable but I WILL DO MY DAMNEDEST to make you think I am close to it.
Rome wasn't built in a day... I'm not even close to being done growing.

So there you have it the quick summary of who I am. I am human. I have flaws... and so do you.

Unconditional love. Interesting thing isn't it?

Almost Everything You Should Know About My Mother

Rena Colleen Berube died of cervical cancer on January 26th, 2011. She fought long and hard for her life and in the end it was her time to go home. This fight is only a small part of what makes Rena, Rena. She cannot be defined by the last years of her life.

My mother loved life, she loved everything about it. "Stop and smell the roses “was her life metaphor... she would literally stop and smell the roses, daisies, morning glories, all and any flowers. My mother was a flower lady. She could see the beauty in everything and everyone. She knew that it was the little things in life that counted the most; it was through the smallest of actions that she made the biggest impact.

She knew how to live her life to the fullest. From doing cartwheels down the hallways as a candy striper, working at nursing homes to take care of people just because she loved to, to going to the ocean every summer and spending the entire day there; my mother took every part of her life, our lives and made it beautiful, fun and wonderful.

She had a love of the ocean as if it called her soul to it. In every sense of the words my mother was like the ocean, indescribably beautiful, strong willed and powerful. She was incredible to say the least; she had the ability to do whatever she put her mind to. She could paint, draw, sing, dance, write, garden... anything she wanted to do my mother could do. Compassionate, loving, incredibly beautiful, intelligent, wild, giving, hilarious, fun, adventurous, and wise are a few words people have used to describe my mother over the past few days.

I guess I would have to say to these people to hold onto her memory, the old Rena we all knew and loved so much, the Rena that put all others before herself, and kept heed to God’s word.

She was an incredible person and she will be greatly missed.

Amo la mia famiglia

(^ translation^): I love my family. 


Dictionary.com defines the word family as: "a basic social unit consisting of parents and their children, considered as a    group, whether dwellingtogether or not: the traditional family."

1989

"Famiglia, Famille, Teaghliag..." 

No matter what language you're speaking; the word FAMILY typically renders the same emotions. Love, comfort, happiness are just some of those warm and fuzzy emotions you see and feel at first glance upon a family.

Me, Two of my Aunts & My Mother

Below the surface is where the truth is buried. I think it comes out like layers of an onion. Everything on the outside is what you see right away. Its the peeling, what you eventually discard after you start to use it.

After the peeling comes the first layer, thats not everything either. Its literally just the beginning of the getting to know family. Names, ages, personalities... so on and so forth.

The Disciplinarian & The Goober

The next few layers is where you start to get to really know the family.

You get to see all the crazy, funny, emotional, annoying and ridiculous crap that no one in the family wants you to see.

You get to see each member in the new light and the roles they play individually in the family...




The funny one, annoying one, the oldest, the baby, the talker, the crazy, the cleanest, the messiest. You see it all... the good, the bad and everything in between.

My family is crazy. 

They're nosey, bossy, and controlling.

Don't get me wrong, I love my family with all of my heart but the truth is they are absolutely nuts and here are the facts.

They are classic "know it all's", ridiculously bossy and feel that they ALWAYS need to tell you just exactly what it is that you are doing wrong. Everything that you do that is different than them or whatnot is a "faze" and for some reason it always seems that no matter how old you get, you will ALWAYS be that little kid that keeps messing up and can never seem to do anything right.

The truth is despite their craziness, deep down, I know most of it is because somewhere in their warped minds they're showing, or attempting to show that they care.

• My grandmothers incessant nagging and pessimistic attitude for instance is her way of protecting me.
• My grandfather's abrupt nature is his way of showing strength for his family. 
• My uncle's ways of "connecting" are cracking jokes that typically aren't that funny and most of the time just plain rude.
• My aunt's overbearing and at times demeaning natures are their ways of trying to direct me in paths different from their own. 

Yes, my family is absolutely insane. The truth is though I wouldn't have it any other way. My family maybe crazy but they're so awesome it is ridiculous. 

They're funny, caring, loving and some of the most interesting and incredible people you will ever have the pleasure of meeting. 

Amo la mia famiglia 

I love my family 

I guess thats the way all families are? Maybe not exactly like mine but in their own ways they manage to all have a little crazy in them. And thats ok with me. 

Run and Remembrance Walk

Start Walkin!

 I recently attended the Hospice House's-


        
  

   "Run & Remembrance Walk"

One of the Balloons

                     

The walk was a 5K walk, (or run) that started out at Central Maine Community College and looped back around. They have been doing it for the past  3 years which to me is awesome and I look forward to going again next year.  

The walk was actually quite fun, Edward Little High School had some of their students their who were set up at one spot on the side of the road playing music for us walkers/runners.

There were balloons placed along the walk in remembrance of loved ones passed on.  Which was pretty bittersweet to see.  

Trailing behind the pack... Turns out I'm not a big fan of people behind me :) 

The walk itself was to raise money for those who cannot afford the services. 

The Androscoggin Home and Care Hospice House is a wonderful place that provides care and comfort for the patient and the family members. 

They have incredible nurses and doctors on staff that provide the most excellent, high quality home health care along with the care inn the actual house. 

They also provide grief support programs for those who have experienced the death of a close family member or friend. 

All and all they are wonderful; and I could not have been happier to participate in that walk. 

Accountablility

Accountability, its such a great word.

See to me accountability is so much more than just holding yourself accountable for your actions. Its showing ownership, being responsible. Showing respect for others and most importantly for yourself.

I have managed for most of my life to never fully hold myself accountable. I've always managed to side step out of blames way...

I am the QUEEN of excuses...

You've all heard the saying Im sure....

"Excuses are like ass holes... Everyone has one"

But see difference between my excuses and everyone else's, is that not everyone has my innate ability to be soooo darn good at coming up with them.

I mean honestly, it is just scary how good I am at excuses.

They're instinctual for me almost. Like I cannot handle the thought of failure; so, I will literally  pull whatever it is possible out of my ass to get away with it if I do stumble just a little. I convince myself that it wasn't fully my fault and that "so and so" played apart in my demise.

There is a really great quote that I actually have framed and hung on my wall.... 

"You never know how strong you are, 

until being strong is the only choice you have."

Under pressure I don't get stronger these days. Under pressure I back down. I fold, crumble like the walls of ancient statues and monuments. Maybe for me the problem right now is that being strong isn't the only choice I have. But then again even when it is I seem to crumble. 

In January when my mom was passing away, actually the day she passed away I was at the Hospice House with my family. For most of that day I wasn't strong enough to even be in the same room as her. I had to sit outside of it to even stop myself from crying. The entire time I was there the only thing I was thinking was, 

"You can't cry in front of her. You have to be strong for her, you have to hold face for her and your family members."

I regret that with all of my heart and soul. What I should have done that day was sit with her, hold her hand, pray with her. But instead I came up with a bunch of excuses for why I couldn't be in that room. A bunch of excuses that sounded great at the time; but now looking back they're the lamest excuses ever. 

I would give anything to go back in time and stay there in that room with her all day and night. 

But I cannot go back and change time, despite how badly I wish I could. 

So, yea, sure I'm the self proclaimed "QUEEN " of excuses... 

But its not really all it's chalked up to be. 

A little bit more Erica

Let me just start this post off by saying that no, I am not some wandering soul without a path, feeling lost and confused with no one to turn to. Yes, I do have moments of doubt, and sadness like a normal human being... but, like I have said in previous posts I am a realist. I don't ever plan on painting you pretty pictures of rainbows and flowers. Or being any less cynical than I have been.

So if that is what you are looking for feel free to go ahead right now and press the button that says next blog. 

This is the one place that I feel more than comfortable to not pretend like I am constantly wearing rose colored glasses and that everything is "HUNKY-DORY". 

There are some things in life that really aren't worth stressing over, yet we all seem to manage to stress about them on a day to day basis.

-Sour milk
-No coupons
-A scuff in your favorite pair of sneakers
-Spilt coffee...
and the list goes on...

I like to come  across  as a person that really doesn't give two shits about what anyone thinks of me but the truth of the matter is that I do... WAY TO MUCH. Yea sure sometimes, I really don't give a crap but most of the time I do. 

The fact of the matter is that I should be comfortable with who I am, WE ALL SHOULD. But for some reason we get caught up on the little things. Caring about the way we look, dress, act... I think its funny I mean if you wanna wear bright orange neon tights, purple leggings and an over sized tunic to work every day for the next 6 weeks who am I to judge you? But for some reason we do... I can fully admit to the fact that if you walked into my work wearing that outfit I would most likely laugh you right out of the building. BUT WHY?

That is the question into which I currently see NO answer.

It is said that "bullies" make fun of other people because they are trying to take the attention off of their own insecurities. But as much as I hate to disagree with who ever came up with that "theory"... I have to. I know that I am secure in my own self enough that I don't have the need to make fun of you for that.... I make fun of you for that because well... COME ON NOW. You look RIDICULOUS.

Does that make me mean? Insensitive? Judgmental? Probably.

But I guess in a way I'm ok with it because, you see the facts are these; at the end of the day when all is said and done, no matter what religion you believe in, what job you work at, whatever it is that you do there is only ONE person you have to look in the mirror at and face. Yourself. If you are ok with what you do then awesome, if you can live with your actions than great. If you live your day to day life with no regrets what so ever than well, you my friend, ROCK. 

I myself have many regrets. And one way or another I myself and no one else am going to have to deal with those.

See thats the funny thing about life. No matter how hard you try to work past those little hiccups they always seem to rear their ugly heads.

So will I one day feel bad for *in my mind* making fun of the neon sock wearing bandit? PROBABLY.

But that is just what I will have to deal with now won't I? 

I'm No Superman

There's something about the thought of Superhero's that intrigues almost every human being at one point or another in their lives.


Wikipedia defines Superhero as "a benevolent fictional character with superhuman powers, such as Superman"...


Seriously, how cool would it be to be Superman???...

Now before you all get a little weird on me let me just clarify a few things here... 

No I am not one of those females that wishes she was a male,

and no I do not have the desire to run around in a spedo and a cape , 

and yes, I know, humans cannot fly....

Yet while I know all of this to be true it doesn't change the fact that, I will most likely always have the desire to be a COMPLETE bad ass, who, no matter what at the end of the day always gets exactly what she wants especially if all I had to do was worry about a little kryptonite.

I guess in our own way us everyday civilians can be "superheroes" at times as well, if you think about it. The military, doctors, nurses, police, firemen... they are our everyday "Superheroes" protecting and saving lives every single moment of every day; never holding anything back and risking everything to do it.  They are the real superheroes of today. 

Part of me still wishes that I could be one of those fictional superheroes though.... With the real powers ;-)

If I could be any superhero though I don't think I would be able to just pick one.... I think I would want to be some kind of mash up of at least the top five superheroes... 

I'd want Spiderman's web thing because well... think about how handy that would be on a day to day basis. 

Clearly I would have to have Wonder Woman's figure along with her AWESOME bracelets ;-)

And although green isn't that great of a color on me... the Hulks badass awesomeness hasn't faltered from my memory TRUST ME. 

To me the coolest thing about superheroes is how selfless they are. I can honestly say that if you aren't family or a really close friend, I don't think I would risk my life to save yours. My fight or flight mode is typically on flight. 

Now, just to help you decipher that last statement a little... There is a HUGE difference between my ability to stick up for myself, give my life for someone I love and my ability to look down the barrel of a .22 on some strangers behalf. 


I will fight to protect myself, my family and my friends. But strangers??? 

Probably not. 

I guess that (and superhuman strength) is what separates me from the tough guys. 

But I've got something they don't... NO KRYPTONITE ;-). 

Hope It Gives You Hell

I know most of you have all been there at some point in your life,

you've loved and been burned...

Run into an old friend from high school that you really didn't wanna see...

Maybe you were cheated on... 

Or maybe you were just cheated...

I think you get the idea...  

either way someone's got a word for those situations.....

or a way to describe it....  

JADED 

that was what one of my very first boyfriends liked to call it... jaded.. 

how lame is that??? 

Honestly...

 please just feel free to put some dark make-up on, 

black clothes and walk around with a really  sad face on...

 ugh.. 

ANYWAYS

For me the song that is linked up to the word 'jaded' above is the best way to describe all of those shitty experiences...

There is something about it that really just sums up the way I've been feeling for a lot of people from my past lately. 

Truth be told I miss you, 

and truth be told I'm LYING.... 

setting the relationship portion of it aside... and just going into the "running into an old friend from high school" portion of it... 

I hate it.. I really, really, REALLY DO. 

See for me the thing I hate the most is the fakeness of it all...

Not every woman is like this but I know a lot of us are... If you're one of the people that aren't I'm just gonna run through the typical scenario really quickly for you... 

Despite our GREAT attempt to completely avoid the person. We fail. So we are then left with two options... 

1.) Be fake-ly sweet like you know they are going to orrrr...

2.) Be honest. 

9 out of 10 times we're fake. 

Why do I call it fake???

Cause truth be told- I really don't give a damn how your doing, and I MOST CERTAINLY do not want to hear about your dog named Spot, your engagement or the fact that you are doing splendid while I am doing awful... 

CRAZY I KNOW. 

But for some reason we stand there... put on the fake smile, grinning and bearing it all the way... 

All the while deep inside our heads you know the other person is thinking the same thing as you... 

"FUCK, FUCK, FUCK... GET ME OUT OF HERE!"

So then comes the REALLY  awkward part..

Which is where you both while pretending to care about each others bull shit start slowly walking backwards in the opposite directions of each other.. 

*hoping that the other person will not notice what your doing..*

.... and then if you're as crafty as I am 

(you'll already have your cell phone in your hand)

you'll find a way to make it ring... Apologize as you "answer" it quickly and then proceed to have a 0.2 second fake conversation on the phone... 

*durning which you will have been informed that you really need to go because you're "friend" is waiting* 

....and so you say your awkward goodbyes, not knowing whether or not to give each other a hug or the high five and then you take off as fast as you can; hoping and praying that doesn't happen again for a while. 

See for me at least it has come to the point in life where all I want to do just stop the madness and speak the truth...

But for now I guess I'll just hope it gives you hell

It's Not As Easy As It Looks

Please excuse the horrendous grammar/spelling/puctuation... Its too early to be perfect just wanted to vent.

It's funny... I thought today wouldn't be as hard as it has been.... O and it's only 1:57a.m.

Mothers Day... I really hope every mothers day for the rest of my life isn't going to feel like this because if it does... Well lets just say that'll suck.

"Think of the good times", they say...

'they' being the over generalized group of people I call family and friends.

"Don't think of her as having passed away... Remember her living and laughing"....

"Try thinking of her as being in a better place"... O and my absolute FAVORITE...

"Pray about it."

What a genius idea... I mean what I haven't stepped foot in a church since the funeral for the shear fear of burning Alive when I do but sure.... Pray about it.

That's EXACTLY what I'll do.

Its funny to me in some sick twisted way when people tell me to do that... Part of me wants to daunt a Brooklyn accent and go mobster on their ass... But I typically refrain from fear of the potential repercussions.

Pray about it... Yep. That's at the top of my list of things to do today...

Really now I mean. For those of you reading this that know me a little you'll have probably realized by now that I'm a pretty blunt, emotional trainwreck, who's straight forward, and yet a highly SENSIBLE person, that can be a bit of a pessimist. So knowing that.... Does it sound like the type of person to you that's going to kneel down and say 50 "Hail Mary's" and hope it all works out??? Well of it does then you can officially stop reading my blog because, well, my friend; you are a straight up idiot. No offense.

See the fact of the matter is this.

In reality I only like to show typically 2 emotions... Happiness and anger.

Fear, despair, sadness... All that crap I don't like to show. So, with that said my idea of a good time, believe it or not, does not include sitting or kneeling in a 2 foot by 2 foot wide personal cubical and confessing my "sins" and/or problems to some man I don't even know. Crazy I'm sure to all of you die hard Catholics out there. But it's the facts so back to the point I was trying to make. After all that being said... And yes this is public information. Shared plenty of times with these people... Do u think it's going to even possibly after all of that be a yes? Seriously?! Why even bother suggesting such a thing... I would make more progress banging my head up against a wall than praying. Seriously and if you want proof I have PLENTY of it.


The facts are these. Prayer isn't going to bring her back. It's not going to take back the things she said that hurt me, or the things I said that hurt her, it's not going to fill the void of 7 years. Prayer... It occupies your mind for the lenght of time your praying and then... Your back in reality where things aren't fixed by closing your eyes and wishing them away.
The fact is, it's not as easy as it seems, moving forward with your life and I'm just guessing for me, it never will be.

The Truth Is

The things we take for granted in life are ridiculous. The smell of a beautiful flower, taste of a slice of pizza, the feeling of the sunlight on your skin, the feel of the wet dew in the grass early in the morning, the sound of a cricket. We get ourselves into this pattern of living that is just day in-day out... never truly appreciating what is right in front of us.

Never looking beyond our day to day drama, letting the smallest things completely upset us and dampen our spirits. An angry customer, a bottle of soda that ruins your favorite purse, a forgotten bill, a run-in with an ex. It's hilarious if you think about it... how the most trivial  things can completely  turn our little existences topsy-turvy.

See the truth is, this is how I live my day to day life... yea, yea, i know "those who cast the first stone... glass houses..." But see there probably is no hope for me to not only fully understand this, but to also try and change it...

"I'm one of those people.. You know the kind... the ones who hope for change, pray for it, beg for it and then when it finally arrives scamper away like a dog with its tail between its hind legs."

I like to call myself a realist but... the truth is, thats just a fancy, less dreary way of saying pessimist. The truth is I have no clue how to move forward... I don't really know when I lost that ability. See my friends all think I'm this strong person... but really I'm not I don't like being strong... I'm not sure why that is either...

Maybe I've just given up on the idea.. 

Maybe I've had to be strong for so long I just don't want to anymore. 

Maybe Im just sick of it.

The truth is in the end you only have yourself to rely on, 

yourself to make you happy, 

yourself to keep yourself positive 

(if that makes sense)...

The truth is in the end the only person you can count on, depend on is you.

So don't let you  hold you back.

Realize the beauty that is life.

Drink it up and never, never let yourself take it for granted.

Loveish

There are more simpler things in life than love. Sometimes one can find it so controversial to love.
Loving is an act that goes above all others, it is the most selfless thing a human being can do. Loving it's confusing and mind boggling... It's what keeps some going and what crushes others. There are too many people that don't know the real meaning of love, what it feels to love or be loved.
There are some people you just want to hold in your arms and love them promising to never stop, never let go, never give up.

I think the hardest person to do that to is yourself.

As human beings we are so critical, judgmental and self-righteous of everyone but worst of all of ourselves. Instead of being our number one fans we are our number one critics. Looking into the mirror and seeing nothing but flaws. It is ok to be constructive about it but most of us are not. Seeing the flaws and laying about in them doing nothing to change them.... Just trying our hardest to cover them up. Over sizing our cars, houses, bodies, our lives trying to make up for what we FEEL we cannot control. Never seeing the beauty in what is natural.

Faster, bigger, better is what we want. Never truly satisfied with what we have. Nothing ever seems to be good enough...

It's sickening if you stop to think about it... Part of me wants to run from this life, this lie that we live day to day... Struggling to make ends meet because we live beyond our means. The other part, the one that is overcome by love stays.

Love is beautiful and ugly, cruel and kind, it's everything you could ever want and everything you don't. It can nourish your soul or it can drain it. It can hold you back, or it can make you a better person, a stronger person, a person that knows who they are because of the person that loves them. I am blessed because the person I love feeds my soul, nourishes my spirit, encourages me to grow, learn and carry onward, but, I am blessed because, most importantly he loves me.

Well let's see here..

It's funny to think how badly I wanted to start this....
I have always been one of those people that never really finishes what they start...
I started a major two years back and I never finished... Just changed it because I decided I wanted an easier way out... Once again I'm back to the same old predicament I was when I changed into this major.

I'm a firm believer in that life should come with a manual...

It's been three months since my mother died and I still don't know how to take it. I feel completely and utterly out of control at times and it frustrates the hell out of me. It's strange how at times it feels like you are the only one in the whole world who is having shit hit the fan day in and day out. Sometimes i just want to scream at how crazy and unpredictable life is... How unfair and cruel it can be. And other times i rejoice in how beautiful and mysterious it all is. Trying to see the beauty in the "plan".

Yep I never finish what I start because most likely by the end of this post that last thought will still not be completed. O well.

My lifes manual would probably start something like this...

1. Don't hold back ever, let everything you feel or think out there right on the table for all to see.
2. You are going to die someday despite any thought you may have that makes you feel somewhat invincible... Keep that in mind with everything you do.
3. The people around you are going to die, you're going to loose the ones you love whether you like it or not... Once you realize that it will make loving much harder. But don't let it stop you.
4. Youre going to feel like you have absolutely no purpose in life and that's ok, take your time figuring out what you want to do... You'll find a purpose in the end.

5. Snow white, Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, Belle, hell even Pocahontas... Were all the exception, in real life there is no man that can wake you out of a poison apple induced coma, sweep you away from your evil family members on a white horse, stab a fire breathing dragon in the heart to save you from some bitch, or go from absolutely hidious to drop dead gorgeous with the help of a rose and a little curse. In real life you have to sort through the losers to find someone even a miniscule close to being half way decent... And even then you might have to keep looking.

6. Always remember you are not a pesomist you are a realist, life is what you make it.

There most likely would be more but I'd say that's a pretty good start for right now...

See my life... It didn't come with a manual... Hell it didnt even come with those partially English but mostly Chinese instructions. Instead it came with a whole lot a anger, a little bit of rage, a good mix of happy and a overwhelming crap ton of sad.

I guess everyones does though huh?