Amo la mia famiglia

(^ translation^): I love my family. 


Dictionary.com defines the word family as: "a basic social unit consisting of parents and their children, considered as a    group, whether dwellingtogether or not: the traditional family."

1989

"Famiglia, Famille, Teaghliag..." 

No matter what language you're speaking; the word FAMILY typically renders the same emotions. Love, comfort, happiness are just some of those warm and fuzzy emotions you see and feel at first glance upon a family.

Me, Two of my Aunts & My Mother

Below the surface is where the truth is buried. I think it comes out like layers of an onion. Everything on the outside is what you see right away. Its the peeling, what you eventually discard after you start to use it.

After the peeling comes the first layer, thats not everything either. Its literally just the beginning of the getting to know family. Names, ages, personalities... so on and so forth.

The Disciplinarian & The Goober

The next few layers is where you start to get to really know the family.

You get to see all the crazy, funny, emotional, annoying and ridiculous crap that no one in the family wants you to see.

You get to see each member in the new light and the roles they play individually in the family...




The funny one, annoying one, the oldest, the baby, the talker, the crazy, the cleanest, the messiest. You see it all... the good, the bad and everything in between.

My family is crazy. 

They're nosey, bossy, and controlling.

Don't get me wrong, I love my family with all of my heart but the truth is they are absolutely nuts and here are the facts.

They are classic "know it all's", ridiculously bossy and feel that they ALWAYS need to tell you just exactly what it is that you are doing wrong. Everything that you do that is different than them or whatnot is a "faze" and for some reason it always seems that no matter how old you get, you will ALWAYS be that little kid that keeps messing up and can never seem to do anything right.

The truth is despite their craziness, deep down, I know most of it is because somewhere in their warped minds they're showing, or attempting to show that they care.

• My grandmothers incessant nagging and pessimistic attitude for instance is her way of protecting me.
• My grandfather's abrupt nature is his way of showing strength for his family. 
• My uncle's ways of "connecting" are cracking jokes that typically aren't that funny and most of the time just plain rude.
• My aunt's overbearing and at times demeaning natures are their ways of trying to direct me in paths different from their own. 

Yes, my family is absolutely insane. The truth is though I wouldn't have it any other way. My family maybe crazy but they're so awesome it is ridiculous. 

They're funny, caring, loving and some of the most interesting and incredible people you will ever have the pleasure of meeting. 

Amo la mia famiglia 

I love my family 

I guess thats the way all families are? Maybe not exactly like mine but in their own ways they manage to all have a little crazy in them. And thats ok with me. 

Run and Remembrance Walk

Start Walkin!

 I recently attended the Hospice House's-


        
  

   "Run & Remembrance Walk"

One of the Balloons

                     

The walk was a 5K walk, (or run) that started out at Central Maine Community College and looped back around. They have been doing it for the past  3 years which to me is awesome and I look forward to going again next year.  

The walk was actually quite fun, Edward Little High School had some of their students their who were set up at one spot on the side of the road playing music for us walkers/runners.

There were balloons placed along the walk in remembrance of loved ones passed on.  Which was pretty bittersweet to see.  

Trailing behind the pack... Turns out I'm not a big fan of people behind me :) 

The walk itself was to raise money for those who cannot afford the services. 

The Androscoggin Home and Care Hospice House is a wonderful place that provides care and comfort for the patient and the family members. 

They have incredible nurses and doctors on staff that provide the most excellent, high quality home health care along with the care inn the actual house. 

They also provide grief support programs for those who have experienced the death of a close family member or friend. 

All and all they are wonderful; and I could not have been happier to participate in that walk. 

Accountablility

Accountability, its such a great word.

See to me accountability is so much more than just holding yourself accountable for your actions. Its showing ownership, being responsible. Showing respect for others and most importantly for yourself.

I have managed for most of my life to never fully hold myself accountable. I've always managed to side step out of blames way...

I am the QUEEN of excuses...

You've all heard the saying Im sure....

"Excuses are like ass holes... Everyone has one"

But see difference between my excuses and everyone else's, is that not everyone has my innate ability to be soooo darn good at coming up with them.

I mean honestly, it is just scary how good I am at excuses.

They're instinctual for me almost. Like I cannot handle the thought of failure; so, I will literally  pull whatever it is possible out of my ass to get away with it if I do stumble just a little. I convince myself that it wasn't fully my fault and that "so and so" played apart in my demise.

There is a really great quote that I actually have framed and hung on my wall.... 

"You never know how strong you are, 

until being strong is the only choice you have."

Under pressure I don't get stronger these days. Under pressure I back down. I fold, crumble like the walls of ancient statues and monuments. Maybe for me the problem right now is that being strong isn't the only choice I have. But then again even when it is I seem to crumble. 

In January when my mom was passing away, actually the day she passed away I was at the Hospice House with my family. For most of that day I wasn't strong enough to even be in the same room as her. I had to sit outside of it to even stop myself from crying. The entire time I was there the only thing I was thinking was, 

"You can't cry in front of her. You have to be strong for her, you have to hold face for her and your family members."

I regret that with all of my heart and soul. What I should have done that day was sit with her, hold her hand, pray with her. But instead I came up with a bunch of excuses for why I couldn't be in that room. A bunch of excuses that sounded great at the time; but now looking back they're the lamest excuses ever. 

I would give anything to go back in time and stay there in that room with her all day and night. 

But I cannot go back and change time, despite how badly I wish I could. 

So, yea, sure I'm the self proclaimed "QUEEN " of excuses... 

But its not really all it's chalked up to be. 

A little bit more Erica

Let me just start this post off by saying that no, I am not some wandering soul without a path, feeling lost and confused with no one to turn to. Yes, I do have moments of doubt, and sadness like a normal human being... but, like I have said in previous posts I am a realist. I don't ever plan on painting you pretty pictures of rainbows and flowers. Or being any less cynical than I have been.

So if that is what you are looking for feel free to go ahead right now and press the button that says next blog. 

This is the one place that I feel more than comfortable to not pretend like I am constantly wearing rose colored glasses and that everything is "HUNKY-DORY". 

There are some things in life that really aren't worth stressing over, yet we all seem to manage to stress about them on a day to day basis.

-Sour milk
-No coupons
-A scuff in your favorite pair of sneakers
-Spilt coffee...
and the list goes on...

I like to come  across  as a person that really doesn't give two shits about what anyone thinks of me but the truth of the matter is that I do... WAY TO MUCH. Yea sure sometimes, I really don't give a crap but most of the time I do. 

The fact of the matter is that I should be comfortable with who I am, WE ALL SHOULD. But for some reason we get caught up on the little things. Caring about the way we look, dress, act... I think its funny I mean if you wanna wear bright orange neon tights, purple leggings and an over sized tunic to work every day for the next 6 weeks who am I to judge you? But for some reason we do... I can fully admit to the fact that if you walked into my work wearing that outfit I would most likely laugh you right out of the building. BUT WHY?

That is the question into which I currently see NO answer.

It is said that "bullies" make fun of other people because they are trying to take the attention off of their own insecurities. But as much as I hate to disagree with who ever came up with that "theory"... I have to. I know that I am secure in my own self enough that I don't have the need to make fun of you for that.... I make fun of you for that because well... COME ON NOW. You look RIDICULOUS.

Does that make me mean? Insensitive? Judgmental? Probably.

But I guess in a way I'm ok with it because, you see the facts are these; at the end of the day when all is said and done, no matter what religion you believe in, what job you work at, whatever it is that you do there is only ONE person you have to look in the mirror at and face. Yourself. If you are ok with what you do then awesome, if you can live with your actions than great. If you live your day to day life with no regrets what so ever than well, you my friend, ROCK. 

I myself have many regrets. And one way or another I myself and no one else am going to have to deal with those.

See thats the funny thing about life. No matter how hard you try to work past those little hiccups they always seem to rear their ugly heads.

So will I one day feel bad for *in my mind* making fun of the neon sock wearing bandit? PROBABLY.

But that is just what I will have to deal with now won't I? 

I'm No Superman

There's something about the thought of Superhero's that intrigues almost every human being at one point or another in their lives.


Wikipedia defines Superhero as "a benevolent fictional character with superhuman powers, such as Superman"...


Seriously, how cool would it be to be Superman???...

Now before you all get a little weird on me let me just clarify a few things here... 

No I am not one of those females that wishes she was a male,

and no I do not have the desire to run around in a spedo and a cape , 

and yes, I know, humans cannot fly....

Yet while I know all of this to be true it doesn't change the fact that, I will most likely always have the desire to be a COMPLETE bad ass, who, no matter what at the end of the day always gets exactly what she wants especially if all I had to do was worry about a little kryptonite.

I guess in our own way us everyday civilians can be "superheroes" at times as well, if you think about it. The military, doctors, nurses, police, firemen... they are our everyday "Superheroes" protecting and saving lives every single moment of every day; never holding anything back and risking everything to do it.  They are the real superheroes of today. 

Part of me still wishes that I could be one of those fictional superheroes though.... With the real powers ;-)

If I could be any superhero though I don't think I would be able to just pick one.... I think I would want to be some kind of mash up of at least the top five superheroes... 

I'd want Spiderman's web thing because well... think about how handy that would be on a day to day basis. 

Clearly I would have to have Wonder Woman's figure along with her AWESOME bracelets ;-)

And although green isn't that great of a color on me... the Hulks badass awesomeness hasn't faltered from my memory TRUST ME. 

To me the coolest thing about superheroes is how selfless they are. I can honestly say that if you aren't family or a really close friend, I don't think I would risk my life to save yours. My fight or flight mode is typically on flight. 

Now, just to help you decipher that last statement a little... There is a HUGE difference between my ability to stick up for myself, give my life for someone I love and my ability to look down the barrel of a .22 on some strangers behalf. 


I will fight to protect myself, my family and my friends. But strangers??? 

Probably not. 

I guess that (and superhuman strength) is what separates me from the tough guys. 

But I've got something they don't... NO KRYPTONITE ;-). 

Hope It Gives You Hell

I know most of you have all been there at some point in your life,

you've loved and been burned...

Run into an old friend from high school that you really didn't wanna see...

Maybe you were cheated on... 

Or maybe you were just cheated...

I think you get the idea...  

either way someone's got a word for those situations.....

or a way to describe it....  

JADED 

that was what one of my very first boyfriends liked to call it... jaded.. 

how lame is that??? 

Honestly...

 please just feel free to put some dark make-up on, 

black clothes and walk around with a really  sad face on...

 ugh.. 

ANYWAYS

For me the song that is linked up to the word 'jaded' above is the best way to describe all of those shitty experiences...

There is something about it that really just sums up the way I've been feeling for a lot of people from my past lately. 

Truth be told I miss you, 

and truth be told I'm LYING.... 

setting the relationship portion of it aside... and just going into the "running into an old friend from high school" portion of it... 

I hate it.. I really, really, REALLY DO. 

See for me the thing I hate the most is the fakeness of it all...

Not every woman is like this but I know a lot of us are... If you're one of the people that aren't I'm just gonna run through the typical scenario really quickly for you... 

Despite our GREAT attempt to completely avoid the person. We fail. So we are then left with two options... 

1.) Be fake-ly sweet like you know they are going to orrrr...

2.) Be honest. 

9 out of 10 times we're fake. 

Why do I call it fake???

Cause truth be told- I really don't give a damn how your doing, and I MOST CERTAINLY do not want to hear about your dog named Spot, your engagement or the fact that you are doing splendid while I am doing awful... 

CRAZY I KNOW. 

But for some reason we stand there... put on the fake smile, grinning and bearing it all the way... 

All the while deep inside our heads you know the other person is thinking the same thing as you... 

"FUCK, FUCK, FUCK... GET ME OUT OF HERE!"

So then comes the REALLY  awkward part..

Which is where you both while pretending to care about each others bull shit start slowly walking backwards in the opposite directions of each other.. 

*hoping that the other person will not notice what your doing..*

.... and then if you're as crafty as I am 

(you'll already have your cell phone in your hand)

you'll find a way to make it ring... Apologize as you "answer" it quickly and then proceed to have a 0.2 second fake conversation on the phone... 

*durning which you will have been informed that you really need to go because you're "friend" is waiting* 

....and so you say your awkward goodbyes, not knowing whether or not to give each other a hug or the high five and then you take off as fast as you can; hoping and praying that doesn't happen again for a while. 

See for me at least it has come to the point in life where all I want to do just stop the madness and speak the truth...

But for now I guess I'll just hope it gives you hell

It's Not As Easy As It Looks

Please excuse the horrendous grammar/spelling/puctuation... Its too early to be perfect just wanted to vent.

It's funny... I thought today wouldn't be as hard as it has been.... O and it's only 1:57a.m.

Mothers Day... I really hope every mothers day for the rest of my life isn't going to feel like this because if it does... Well lets just say that'll suck.

"Think of the good times", they say...

'they' being the over generalized group of people I call family and friends.

"Don't think of her as having passed away... Remember her living and laughing"....

"Try thinking of her as being in a better place"... O and my absolute FAVORITE...

"Pray about it."

What a genius idea... I mean what I haven't stepped foot in a church since the funeral for the shear fear of burning Alive when I do but sure.... Pray about it.

That's EXACTLY what I'll do.

Its funny to me in some sick twisted way when people tell me to do that... Part of me wants to daunt a Brooklyn accent and go mobster on their ass... But I typically refrain from fear of the potential repercussions.

Pray about it... Yep. That's at the top of my list of things to do today...

Really now I mean. For those of you reading this that know me a little you'll have probably realized by now that I'm a pretty blunt, emotional trainwreck, who's straight forward, and yet a highly SENSIBLE person, that can be a bit of a pessimist. So knowing that.... Does it sound like the type of person to you that's going to kneel down and say 50 "Hail Mary's" and hope it all works out??? Well of it does then you can officially stop reading my blog because, well, my friend; you are a straight up idiot. No offense.

See the fact of the matter is this.

In reality I only like to show typically 2 emotions... Happiness and anger.

Fear, despair, sadness... All that crap I don't like to show. So, with that said my idea of a good time, believe it or not, does not include sitting or kneeling in a 2 foot by 2 foot wide personal cubical and confessing my "sins" and/or problems to some man I don't even know. Crazy I'm sure to all of you die hard Catholics out there. But it's the facts so back to the point I was trying to make. After all that being said... And yes this is public information. Shared plenty of times with these people... Do u think it's going to even possibly after all of that be a yes? Seriously?! Why even bother suggesting such a thing... I would make more progress banging my head up against a wall than praying. Seriously and if you want proof I have PLENTY of it.


The facts are these. Prayer isn't going to bring her back. It's not going to take back the things she said that hurt me, or the things I said that hurt her, it's not going to fill the void of 7 years. Prayer... It occupies your mind for the lenght of time your praying and then... Your back in reality where things aren't fixed by closing your eyes and wishing them away.
The fact is, it's not as easy as it seems, moving forward with your life and I'm just guessing for me, it never will be.