Accountablility

Accountability, its such a great word.

See to me accountability is so much more than just holding yourself accountable for your actions. Its showing ownership, being responsible. Showing respect for others and most importantly for yourself.

I have managed for most of my life to never fully hold myself accountable. I've always managed to side step out of blames way...

I am the QUEEN of excuses...

You've all heard the saying Im sure....

"Excuses are like ass holes... Everyone has one"

But see difference between my excuses and everyone else's, is that not everyone has my innate ability to be soooo darn good at coming up with them.

I mean honestly, it is just scary how good I am at excuses.

They're instinctual for me almost. Like I cannot handle the thought of failure; so, I will literally  pull whatever it is possible out of my ass to get away with it if I do stumble just a little. I convince myself that it wasn't fully my fault and that "so and so" played apart in my demise.

There is a really great quote that I actually have framed and hung on my wall.... 

"You never know how strong you are, 

until being strong is the only choice you have."

Under pressure I don't get stronger these days. Under pressure I back down. I fold, crumble like the walls of ancient statues and monuments. Maybe for me the problem right now is that being strong isn't the only choice I have. But then again even when it is I seem to crumble. 

In January when my mom was passing away, actually the day she passed away I was at the Hospice House with my family. For most of that day I wasn't strong enough to even be in the same room as her. I had to sit outside of it to even stop myself from crying. The entire time I was there the only thing I was thinking was, 

"You can't cry in front of her. You have to be strong for her, you have to hold face for her and your family members."

I regret that with all of my heart and soul. What I should have done that day was sit with her, hold her hand, pray with her. But instead I came up with a bunch of excuses for why I couldn't be in that room. A bunch of excuses that sounded great at the time; but now looking back they're the lamest excuses ever. 

I would give anything to go back in time and stay there in that room with her all day and night. 

But I cannot go back and change time, despite how badly I wish I could. 

So, yea, sure I'm the self proclaimed "QUEEN " of excuses... 

But its not really all it's chalked up to be.