Its A Whole New World

I started today off by saying I would be publishing drafts that I had stored away for the past year never finding it in me to actually submit the words I had typed out on the pages. In my draft box was countless drafts titled "Goodbye", "How do you know when its too late", "Stopping the Sadness" so on and so forth and never once did I take that as a sign. I mean really, come on now... stopping the sadness?! My relationship that I had been in for too long was beyond over. As much as I would love to go through and delete with anger and spite all love posts that I had dedicated to him about how he "fed my soul and nourished my spirit"; I will refrain from doing so. WHY? well, simply because at one point (despite however blind and idiotic I might have been) I actually believed those words to be true. Or at least desperately wanted them to be. Irregardless they will stay.

I did manage to publish one draft that seemed to be a jumbled mess of mixed thoughts and emotions which was who I was for a lot of my relationship even though I refused to admit it to anyone the ones closest to me knew.
The truth is for the past 4 years I have spent most of my life in a fog living different peoples dreams and desires for my life instead of finding my own. Calling myself the "Queen of Procrastination" instead of actually doing what I wanted and being who I wanted. Losing myself in someone who was my personal kryptonite that I desperately clung to.

I am happy to say though that the fog has finally been lifted due to an abrupt lifestyle change. I have been told that in order to be completely whole though I need to let go of any anger and resentment I hold against the other person. Hating them seems to no longer be an option because apparently it does more damage to me than them. Although as much as this makes sense to me, lets all be honest and admit, it is a hell of a lot easier said than done. I think everything takes time and no matter how hard you try to rush it somethings are going to take a while to heal. And so I have begun again. Healing and growing, developing myself into who I have always wanted to be. Who I am determined to be and I have vowed to never allow myself to give way to those dreams and goals again.

Ranting of a lost person

Some how and I'm not quite sure how, with all the chaos going on in my life I have lost a portion of myself. A portion of who I have always been, what makes me, me. Its hard to define a specific moment in time when that happens. When you look in the mirror and realize the person staring back at you is not entire who you were years back. There's something inside of you that gets a little nauseous when you realize this. Its like your stomach churns and you don't know what to do.
Just trying to figure out what it is specifically that you lost is probably the hardest part. Its not like your favorite pair of earrings, or those cute shoes you faintly remember owning. Its deeper than that obviously.
Its like trying to remember the part in a movie you saw a long time ago... the part that could always make you laugh, always make you feel better. Its some ominous portion of you that upon realizing its gone you want to do whatever it takes to get it back. Fight or flight mode kicks in and your left scrambling, making bad decisions, and doing things you have never done.
It sucks even more when you come to the conclusion that not only have you lost this part of yourself, this key portion of your demeanor that makes you, you; but then it adds to that when you realize without this there are other areas of your personality that are now weakend without it. Like the support lines on a bridge. One gives way and it puts more pressure on the rest to over compensate for the loss of the main line. So then they all start to slowly give way.
Eventually you come to miss that portion of you. Longing to get it back isnt enough but its not as easy as just wishing it could be the same. After years of changing you find that its harder to come back to the way things use to be.
See for me, I think what I have realized is that the portion of me that has somehow gotten lost is my determination. I use to have all of these dreams, a five year plan set out for myself that I was acting on with every decision that I made. Anything and everything I did was with that five year plan in mind. Loosing that motivation, that drive has set me back. I feel like Im just costing along living day to day.
Not having that in me any longer makes it almost impossible to get it back.

Its been a while

Its been a long time since Ive placed any thoughts onto a page. So to get back into it I'm going to go ahead and publish some of the drafts I never fully completed. Just so you know a lot of them are not fully completed but they still to me have somethings I felt needed to be said.

So the next few posts up until one that says "A whole new world" will be some old, but decent thoughts kicking around in the back of my "closet".

Thanks for reading.

2012

Well, today is the last day of 2011 and the last day of one hell of a year.
Thinking about life as a whole there are a lot of things that I have been through, put others through that sometimes I wish I could take back. However, the truth is I could never change them, its something I have to deal with for well, the rest of my life.

This year itself has been full of countless changes and as happy as I am to see it go, this year will be one I remember and cherish for the rest of my life.

I quit an old job that I hated, but I got a new job that I love.
I have made countless new friends, some good, some bad, some incredible.
I have shed a lot of tears, but at the same time I have laughed for an immeasurable amount of time.
I have moved on and grown up, and at the same time I have regressed.
All of these things, you don't realize how incredible and special they are when you are in the moment. You look at each situation and go, oh cool... new friend. Score new job. Yes a good day, fuck a bad one.

Collectively though, now that, that's how I like to look at it.

This year has shown me, as an individual that I can personally take a crap ton of shit and for the most part come out still on my own two feet. I lost my mom this year and as hard as loosing her was I know she knows I love her and care still. And, despite the fact that not all of me believes in heaven and angels and all of that I know she is there watching over me, loving me.

So with that said, good bye 2011, HELLO 2012.

Cheers to bigger, better and more spectacular things all around.