Some how and I'm not quite sure how, with all the chaos going on in my life I have lost a portion of myself. A portion of who I have always been, what makes me, me. Its hard to define a specific moment in time when that happens. When you look in the mirror and realize the person staring back at you is not entire who you were years back. There's something inside of you that gets a little nauseous when you realize this. Its like your stomach churns and you don't know what to do.
Just trying to figure out what it is specifically that you lost is probably the hardest part. Its not like your favorite pair of earrings, or those cute shoes you faintly remember owning. Its deeper than that obviously.
Its like trying to remember the part in a movie you saw a long time ago... the part that could always make you laugh, always make you feel better. Its some ominous portion of you that upon realizing its gone you want to do whatever it takes to get it back. Fight or flight mode kicks in and your left scrambling, making bad decisions, and doing things you have never done.
It sucks even more when you come to the conclusion that not only have you lost this part of yourself, this key portion of your demeanor that makes you, you; but then it adds to that when you realize without this there are other areas of your personality that are now weakend without it. Like the support lines on a bridge. One gives way and it puts more pressure on the rest to over compensate for the loss of the main line. So then they all start to slowly give way.
Eventually you come to miss that portion of you. Longing to get it back isnt enough but its not as easy as just wishing it could be the same. After years of changing you find that its harder to come back to the way things use to be.
See for me, I think what I have realized is that the portion of me that has somehow gotten lost is my determination. I use to have all of these dreams, a five year plan set out for myself that I was acting on with every decision that I made. Anything and everything I did was with that five year plan in mind. Loosing that motivation, that drive has set me back. I feel like Im just costing along living day to day.
Not having that in me any longer makes it almost impossible to get it back.
Just trying to figure out what it is specifically that you lost is probably the hardest part. Its not like your favorite pair of earrings, or those cute shoes you faintly remember owning. Its deeper than that obviously.
Its like trying to remember the part in a movie you saw a long time ago... the part that could always make you laugh, always make you feel better. Its some ominous portion of you that upon realizing its gone you want to do whatever it takes to get it back. Fight or flight mode kicks in and your left scrambling, making bad decisions, and doing things you have never done.
It sucks even more when you come to the conclusion that not only have you lost this part of yourself, this key portion of your demeanor that makes you, you; but then it adds to that when you realize without this there are other areas of your personality that are now weakend without it. Like the support lines on a bridge. One gives way and it puts more pressure on the rest to over compensate for the loss of the main line. So then they all start to slowly give way.
Eventually you come to miss that portion of you. Longing to get it back isnt enough but its not as easy as just wishing it could be the same. After years of changing you find that its harder to come back to the way things use to be.
See for me, I think what I have realized is that the portion of me that has somehow gotten lost is my determination. I use to have all of these dreams, a five year plan set out for myself that I was acting on with every decision that I made. Anything and everything I did was with that five year plan in mind. Loosing that motivation, that drive has set me back. I feel like Im just costing along living day to day.
Not having that in me any longer makes it almost impossible to get it back.
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