The Truth Is

The things we take for granted in life are ridiculous. The smell of a beautiful flower, taste of a slice of pizza, the feeling of the sunlight on your skin, the feel of the wet dew in the grass early in the morning, the sound of a cricket. We get ourselves into this pattern of living that is just day in-day out... never truly appreciating what is right in front of us.

Never looking beyond our day to day drama, letting the smallest things completely upset us and dampen our spirits. An angry customer, a bottle of soda that ruins your favorite purse, a forgotten bill, a run-in with an ex. It's hilarious if you think about it... how the most trivial  things can completely  turn our little existences topsy-turvy.

See the truth is, this is how I live my day to day life... yea, yea, i know "those who cast the first stone... glass houses..." But see there probably is no hope for me to not only fully understand this, but to also try and change it...

"I'm one of those people.. You know the kind... the ones who hope for change, pray for it, beg for it and then when it finally arrives scamper away like a dog with its tail between its hind legs."

I like to call myself a realist but... the truth is, thats just a fancy, less dreary way of saying pessimist. The truth is I have no clue how to move forward... I don't really know when I lost that ability. See my friends all think I'm this strong person... but really I'm not I don't like being strong... I'm not sure why that is either...

Maybe I've just given up on the idea.. 

Maybe I've had to be strong for so long I just don't want to anymore. 

Maybe Im just sick of it.

The truth is in the end you only have yourself to rely on, 

yourself to make you happy, 

yourself to keep yourself positive 

(if that makes sense)...

The truth is in the end the only person you can count on, depend on is you.

So don't let you  hold you back.

Realize the beauty that is life.

Drink it up and never, never let yourself take it for granted.

Loveish

There are more simpler things in life than love. Sometimes one can find it so controversial to love.
Loving is an act that goes above all others, it is the most selfless thing a human being can do. Loving it's confusing and mind boggling... It's what keeps some going and what crushes others. There are too many people that don't know the real meaning of love, what it feels to love or be loved.
There are some people you just want to hold in your arms and love them promising to never stop, never let go, never give up.

I think the hardest person to do that to is yourself.

As human beings we are so critical, judgmental and self-righteous of everyone but worst of all of ourselves. Instead of being our number one fans we are our number one critics. Looking into the mirror and seeing nothing but flaws. It is ok to be constructive about it but most of us are not. Seeing the flaws and laying about in them doing nothing to change them.... Just trying our hardest to cover them up. Over sizing our cars, houses, bodies, our lives trying to make up for what we FEEL we cannot control. Never seeing the beauty in what is natural.

Faster, bigger, better is what we want. Never truly satisfied with what we have. Nothing ever seems to be good enough...

It's sickening if you stop to think about it... Part of me wants to run from this life, this lie that we live day to day... Struggling to make ends meet because we live beyond our means. The other part, the one that is overcome by love stays.

Love is beautiful and ugly, cruel and kind, it's everything you could ever want and everything you don't. It can nourish your soul or it can drain it. It can hold you back, or it can make you a better person, a stronger person, a person that knows who they are because of the person that loves them. I am blessed because the person I love feeds my soul, nourishes my spirit, encourages me to grow, learn and carry onward, but, I am blessed because, most importantly he loves me.

Well let's see here..

It's funny to think how badly I wanted to start this....
I have always been one of those people that never really finishes what they start...
I started a major two years back and I never finished... Just changed it because I decided I wanted an easier way out... Once again I'm back to the same old predicament I was when I changed into this major.

I'm a firm believer in that life should come with a manual...

It's been three months since my mother died and I still don't know how to take it. I feel completely and utterly out of control at times and it frustrates the hell out of me. It's strange how at times it feels like you are the only one in the whole world who is having shit hit the fan day in and day out. Sometimes i just want to scream at how crazy and unpredictable life is... How unfair and cruel it can be. And other times i rejoice in how beautiful and mysterious it all is. Trying to see the beauty in the "plan".

Yep I never finish what I start because most likely by the end of this post that last thought will still not be completed. O well.

My lifes manual would probably start something like this...

1. Don't hold back ever, let everything you feel or think out there right on the table for all to see.
2. You are going to die someday despite any thought you may have that makes you feel somewhat invincible... Keep that in mind with everything you do.
3. The people around you are going to die, you're going to loose the ones you love whether you like it or not... Once you realize that it will make loving much harder. But don't let it stop you.
4. Youre going to feel like you have absolutely no purpose in life and that's ok, take your time figuring out what you want to do... You'll find a purpose in the end.

5. Snow white, Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, Belle, hell even Pocahontas... Were all the exception, in real life there is no man that can wake you out of a poison apple induced coma, sweep you away from your evil family members on a white horse, stab a fire breathing dragon in the heart to save you from some bitch, or go from absolutely hidious to drop dead gorgeous with the help of a rose and a little curse. In real life you have to sort through the losers to find someone even a miniscule close to being half way decent... And even then you might have to keep looking.

6. Always remember you are not a pesomist you are a realist, life is what you make it.

There most likely would be more but I'd say that's a pretty good start for right now...

See my life... It didn't come with a manual... Hell it didnt even come with those partially English but mostly Chinese instructions. Instead it came with a whole lot a anger, a little bit of rage, a good mix of happy and a overwhelming crap ton of sad.

I guess everyones does though huh?