Lately I feel that I have been leaning towards the later... its funny when you see things from outsiders perspective, its always so different than how you feel. My best friend likes to tell me that I am one of the strongest people she knows. Which maybe true, but what defines strength for her is different than what the definition is for me.
Obstacles seem to be something that will always surmount around me.... only God knows why but I simply have a feeling that my life will never be an easy one. (NOT that anyones is... some just have it easier than others.)
I tend to see things differently than most, its funny how you figure that out one day. For me it was the other morning I was out to breakfast with my boyfriend, pouring my creamer in my coffee I looked up at him, as it was splashing all around and he just shook his head and laughed; pointing out what he saw as a spout I was using as a handle. My entire life I have managed to live like that... making everything a little bit harder than it has to be, a little bit messier than it needs to be. I have never been one to look at a situation and go here is a "methodical" way out... I just kinda dive in head first, say a hail mary and hope to God I make it through it.
Yes, I have always been one to do things the hard way, no matter what it was. I remember freshman year Algebra my teacher desperately trying to show me "her" way of solving the equation... I couldn't do it like that... to easy I said I cant understand it. For some reason, my brain thinks better when things are complicated.
My grandfather and I were talking one day, I cant even remember the topic... All I can remember or all that I really took away from the slight lecture I was being given was this sentence; "Erica, you are going to have one hell of a tough life if you continue to do things the hard way... you cant keep thinking the way your thinking" Well I took it away from the conversation thats for sure.. don't know if it did any good though.
Maybe I am a strong person... I know I am stubborn as an ass but I don't consider that to be strength.. maybe the fact that I am still grasping at the strings makes me strong... maybe its because after a lot of bull shit Im still sane.
My mom and I's relationship is one thing I regret doing the hard way... its times like this where you look back and regret a lot of things that you could have said but didn't, could have done but wouldn't. Its where I see that the more complicated the problem is in real life... the harder it is to solve.
Now I know a lot of you are saying well.. NO SHIT Erica complicated=hard to solve. But for me there's a lot more to it than that. For me a lot of pride was involved, stubbornness, and a lot of doing things the hard way that made my last statement harder to realize.
So as your reading these scattered thoughts you probably are wondering where the point lies. I guess there really is none. I mean I am still trying to figure it out for myself, I sometimes wonder if I am strong or if its a facade that I have fooled not only others but myself into seeing. I wonder if all of this hardship is in the end my fault? If my stubborn, wise ass nature hasn't brought it all to me... am I just getting what I had coming?
Either way in the end I know my mother knows I love her despite all of the hard times we went through.
So even though I may still be grasping at strings... I do know one thing is for sure... I tend to be pretty darn resilient.
