Its A Whole New World

I started today off by saying I would be publishing drafts that I had stored away for the past year never finding it in me to actually submit the words I had typed out on the pages. In my draft box was countless drafts titled "Goodbye", "How do you know when its too late", "Stopping the Sadness" so on and so forth and never once did I take that as a sign. I mean really, come on now... stopping the sadness?! My relationship that I had been in for too long was beyond over. As much as I would love to go through and delete with anger and spite all love posts that I had dedicated to him about how he "fed my soul and nourished my spirit"; I will refrain from doing so. WHY? well, simply because at one point (despite however blind and idiotic I might have been) I actually believed those words to be true. Or at least desperately wanted them to be. Irregardless they will stay.

I did manage to publish one draft that seemed to be a jumbled mess of mixed thoughts and emotions which was who I was for a lot of my relationship even though I refused to admit it to anyone the ones closest to me knew.
The truth is for the past 4 years I have spent most of my life in a fog living different peoples dreams and desires for my life instead of finding my own. Calling myself the "Queen of Procrastination" instead of actually doing what I wanted and being who I wanted. Losing myself in someone who was my personal kryptonite that I desperately clung to.

I am happy to say though that the fog has finally been lifted due to an abrupt lifestyle change. I have been told that in order to be completely whole though I need to let go of any anger and resentment I hold against the other person. Hating them seems to no longer be an option because apparently it does more damage to me than them. Although as much as this makes sense to me, lets all be honest and admit, it is a hell of a lot easier said than done. I think everything takes time and no matter how hard you try to rush it somethings are going to take a while to heal. And so I have begun again. Healing and growing, developing myself into who I have always wanted to be. Who I am determined to be and I have vowed to never allow myself to give way to those dreams and goals again.