Please excuse the horrendous grammar/spelling/puctuation... Its too early to be perfect just wanted to vent.
It's funny... I thought today wouldn't be as hard as it has been.... O and it's only 1:57a.m.
Mothers Day... I really hope every mothers day for the rest of my life isn't going to feel like this because if it does... Well lets just say that'll suck.
"Think of the good times", they say...
'they' being the over generalized group of people I call family and friends.
"Don't think of her as having passed away... Remember her living and laughing"....
"Try thinking of her as being in a better place"... O and my absolute FAVORITE...
"Pray about it."
What a genius idea... I mean what I haven't stepped foot in a church since the funeral for the shear fear of burning Alive when I do but sure.... Pray about it.
That's EXACTLY what I'll do.
Its funny to me in some sick twisted way when people tell me to do that... Part of me wants to daunt a Brooklyn accent and go mobster on their ass... But I typically refrain from fear of the potential repercussions.
Pray about it... Yep. That's at the top of my list of things to do today...
Really now I mean. For those of you reading this that know me a little you'll have probably realized by now that I'm a pretty blunt, emotional trainwreck, who's straight forward, and yet a highly SENSIBLE person, that can be a bit of a pessimist. So knowing that.... Does it sound like the type of person to you that's going to kneel down and say 50 "Hail Mary's" and hope it all works out??? Well of it does then you can officially stop reading my blog because, well, my friend; you are a straight up idiot. No offense.
See the fact of the matter is this.
In reality I only like to show typically 2 emotions... Happiness and anger.
Fear, despair, sadness... All that crap I don't like to show. So, with that said my idea of a good time, believe it or not, does not include sitting or kneeling in a 2 foot by 2 foot wide personal cubical and confessing my "sins" and/or problems to some man I don't even know. Crazy I'm sure to all of you die hard Catholics out there. But it's the facts so back to the point I was trying to make. After all that being said... And yes this is public information. Shared plenty of times with these people... Do u think it's going to even possibly after all of that be a yes? Seriously?! Why even bother suggesting such a thing... I would make more progress banging my head up against a wall than praying. Seriously and if you want proof I have PLENTY of it.
The facts are these. Prayer isn't going to bring her back. It's not going to take back the things she said that hurt me, or the things I said that hurt her, it's not going to fill the void of 7 years. Prayer... It occupies your mind for the lenght of time your praying and then... Your back in reality where things aren't fixed by closing your eyes and wishing them away.
The fact is, it's not as easy as it seems, moving forward with your life and I'm just guessing for me, it never will be.
Spiritual growth is difficult when we are hurt.
ReplyDeleteDeveloping your spirit is as just important as developing your mind. Prayer is not "The Answer" it is the question; the answer comes from asking the question over and over. Praying can also be seen as meditation, taking time to focus and ponder over our questions, our great mysteries. Whether you call it God, your subconscious, or even a common connection we all share with each other does not matter, the title is not important. Realizing that when you ask questions they will be answered is what is important and trusting those answers is faith. You are Loved by many Erica keep exploring you will find your way and the answers to all your questions.