Accountablility

Accountability, its such a great word.

See to me accountability is so much more than just holding yourself accountable for your actions. Its showing ownership, being responsible. Showing respect for others and most importantly for yourself.

I have managed for most of my life to never fully hold myself accountable. I've always managed to side step out of blames way...

I am the QUEEN of excuses...

You've all heard the saying Im sure....

"Excuses are like ass holes... Everyone has one"

But see difference between my excuses and everyone else's, is that not everyone has my innate ability to be soooo darn good at coming up with them.

I mean honestly, it is just scary how good I am at excuses.

They're instinctual for me almost. Like I cannot handle the thought of failure; so, I will literally  pull whatever it is possible out of my ass to get away with it if I do stumble just a little. I convince myself that it wasn't fully my fault and that "so and so" played apart in my demise.

There is a really great quote that I actually have framed and hung on my wall.... 

"You never know how strong you are, 

until being strong is the only choice you have."

Under pressure I don't get stronger these days. Under pressure I back down. I fold, crumble like the walls of ancient statues and monuments. Maybe for me the problem right now is that being strong isn't the only choice I have. But then again even when it is I seem to crumble. 

In January when my mom was passing away, actually the day she passed away I was at the Hospice House with my family. For most of that day I wasn't strong enough to even be in the same room as her. I had to sit outside of it to even stop myself from crying. The entire time I was there the only thing I was thinking was, 

"You can't cry in front of her. You have to be strong for her, you have to hold face for her and your family members."

I regret that with all of my heart and soul. What I should have done that day was sit with her, hold her hand, pray with her. But instead I came up with a bunch of excuses for why I couldn't be in that room. A bunch of excuses that sounded great at the time; but now looking back they're the lamest excuses ever. 

I would give anything to go back in time and stay there in that room with her all day and night. 

But I cannot go back and change time, despite how badly I wish I could. 

So, yea, sure I'm the self proclaimed "QUEEN " of excuses... 

But its not really all it's chalked up to be. 

It's Not As Easy As It Looks

Please excuse the horrendous grammar/spelling/puctuation... Its too early to be perfect just wanted to vent.

It's funny... I thought today wouldn't be as hard as it has been.... O and it's only 1:57a.m.

Mothers Day... I really hope every mothers day for the rest of my life isn't going to feel like this because if it does... Well lets just say that'll suck.

"Think of the good times", they say...

'they' being the over generalized group of people I call family and friends.

"Don't think of her as having passed away... Remember her living and laughing"....

"Try thinking of her as being in a better place"... O and my absolute FAVORITE...

"Pray about it."

What a genius idea... I mean what I haven't stepped foot in a church since the funeral for the shear fear of burning Alive when I do but sure.... Pray about it.

That's EXACTLY what I'll do.

Its funny to me in some sick twisted way when people tell me to do that... Part of me wants to daunt a Brooklyn accent and go mobster on their ass... But I typically refrain from fear of the potential repercussions.

Pray about it... Yep. That's at the top of my list of things to do today...

Really now I mean. For those of you reading this that know me a little you'll have probably realized by now that I'm a pretty blunt, emotional trainwreck, who's straight forward, and yet a highly SENSIBLE person, that can be a bit of a pessimist. So knowing that.... Does it sound like the type of person to you that's going to kneel down and say 50 "Hail Mary's" and hope it all works out??? Well of it does then you can officially stop reading my blog because, well, my friend; you are a straight up idiot. No offense.

See the fact of the matter is this.

In reality I only like to show typically 2 emotions... Happiness and anger.

Fear, despair, sadness... All that crap I don't like to show. So, with that said my idea of a good time, believe it or not, does not include sitting or kneeling in a 2 foot by 2 foot wide personal cubical and confessing my "sins" and/or problems to some man I don't even know. Crazy I'm sure to all of you die hard Catholics out there. But it's the facts so back to the point I was trying to make. After all that being said... And yes this is public information. Shared plenty of times with these people... Do u think it's going to even possibly after all of that be a yes? Seriously?! Why even bother suggesting such a thing... I would make more progress banging my head up against a wall than praying. Seriously and if you want proof I have PLENTY of it.


The facts are these. Prayer isn't going to bring her back. It's not going to take back the things she said that hurt me, or the things I said that hurt her, it's not going to fill the void of 7 years. Prayer... It occupies your mind for the lenght of time your praying and then... Your back in reality where things aren't fixed by closing your eyes and wishing them away.
The fact is, it's not as easy as it seems, moving forward with your life and I'm just guessing for me, it never will be.